You can read it here: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1X9OdwznwGc05vDbB-Yf0QsOdXYSPDBc-C1vWH_AWh78/edit?usp=sharing
However, after a discussion with one of the professional writers that came in to the Academy, I decided it still wasn't up to scratch. And so, work on the third draft has begun. But I'll talk about that another time.
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| How I plan on improving my script |
The main thing I was trying to do with this draft was structure it in a way that was a bit more interesting, and a lot less confusing. I hadn't really foreshadowed the ending in the first draft at all, so it seemed a bit sudden and it didn't fit in. So I started with the end, and kept cutting back to that whilst the film was going on. I also made it a bit more focused, and deleted sections that contradicted the rules that I'd established (i.e. The bit where Dawn goes through a door and ends up in the same room and ... It was that confusing I can't even explain it.).
The basic story is, Dawn and Ben are in a car. The car is about to crash, and Dawn's life "flashes before her eyes." She goes through the rooms, which are surreal manifestations of the memories of different stages of her life. As she goes through her life in her head, the car gets closer to the other car, and at the end it crashes. She dies. Not a jolly story, I know.
There were a few problems with this draft however, mostly the problem being that it was difficult to understand. The plot itself is quite a difficult one, as it's pretty surreal and it isn't meant to be taken literally. But, there were quite a few little issues that added up to make it even harder to follow. The main ones were the cot, and the ending. Many who read it thought that the cot belonged to Dawn's child, when it is actually supposed to be Dawn's cot. The ending to this is very difficult to do, and whilst this ending is markedly better than the previous mess of an ending, it's still pretty confusing.
I intend to fix these problems by adding in some dialogue that refers to Dawn as "Dawn," and then labelling the cot with Dawn. I'm also going to try and rewrite the ending again.
So, give it a read here! And let me know what you think.
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1X9OdwznwGc05vDbB-Yf0QsOdXYSPDBc-C1vWH_AWh78/edit?usp=sharing
The basic story is, Dawn and Ben are in a car. The car is about to crash, and Dawn's life "flashes before her eyes." She goes through the rooms, which are surreal manifestations of the memories of different stages of her life. As she goes through her life in her head, the car gets closer to the other car, and at the end it crashes. She dies. Not a jolly story, I know.
There were a few problems with this draft however, mostly the problem being that it was difficult to understand. The plot itself is quite a difficult one, as it's pretty surreal and it isn't meant to be taken literally. But, there were quite a few little issues that added up to make it even harder to follow. The main ones were the cot, and the ending. Many who read it thought that the cot belonged to Dawn's child, when it is actually supposed to be Dawn's cot. The ending to this is very difficult to do, and whilst this ending is markedly better than the previous mess of an ending, it's still pretty confusing.
I intend to fix these problems by adding in some dialogue that refers to Dawn as "Dawn," and then labelling the cot with Dawn. I'm also going to try and rewrite the ending again.
So, give it a read here! And let me know what you think.
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1X9OdwznwGc05vDbB-Yf0QsOdXYSPDBc-C1vWH_AWh78/edit?usp=sharing
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